Why have I chosen to work methodically?

I’ve been thinking about the boundaries within the therapeutic relationship, as I’m about to embark on my placement, which is set within a primary school. I feel that I’m working in this very methodical way because I am thinking a lot about the boundaries within art therapy. 

Especially as I’m set to work in a primary school I keep anticipating how I’ll react to children who may display behaviour that could possibly be out of control. 

I feel I am reacting to this feeling within my art practice by controlling the shredded money by working within a very tight, methodical way. There is some comfort in developing this working method; creating paper using a systematic technique creates a reassurance for me, as there is currently a lot of unpredictability at the moment.

I’m using my art practice in a controlled way rather than expressive as I am very open in the experiential workshops, training groups, on this blog and my reflective journal so I feel I cannot work in this expressive, emotional way in my art. I feel it’ll be too much emotion otherwise! I like to keep my art practice very separate aesthetically to the other art making I do on the course.

Broken deckle

I've come across a problem involving my practical working method... the deckle I created from a cheap frame has consistently broken almost every time I've used it. Once it gets wet it becomes so fragile adding another element of fragility to my method of working. I wonder why I haven't properly fixed the deckle or indeed made a secure one as the one I have at the moment clearly isn't working well.This makes me reflect on why I want to use a fragile frame as a deckle? Is there something about temporarily fixing it every time, hoping it will carry the weight of  the pulp that allows me to continue. Do I like this fragility in my working process? As I have discussed previously, there is a lot of fragility involved in this process so it baffles me as to why I am putting myself through additional pressure and uncertainty.
Could it be possible that I wish for  the deckle to be fragile so that I can temporarily 'heal' it... there is after all this connection with art therapy as a profession. Perhaps this notion of fixing something, or working with vulnerability could be affecting my working method.

Susan Hiller talk at the Freud museum and methodologies

Having visited the Freud museum and Susan Hiller's conversation with Susie Orbach yesterday evening I wasn't sure on what to expect. She spoke candidly about specific pieces of work that I was not particularly familiar with. I thought she would speak more about her work in relation to psychodynamic thinking as well as Freudian theory but it was more a general conversation about a variety of works, which was great in a sense as this gave me a concrete idea on what her art is about. She gave great insight into how she works which was of interest to me as I am in the process of reflecting upon exactly how I work and think about ideas.

Susan Hiller sisters of Menon, 1972 -79
Section I: 4 L-shaped panels of automatic writing, blue pencil on A4 paper with typed labels (1972)
Section II: 4 panels, typescript and gouache on paper (1979)
35 7/8 x 25 1/4 in. / 91.2 x 64.2 cm 12 1/2 x 9 1/8 in. / 31.8 x 23 cm http://www.susanhiller.org/otherworks/sisters_of_menon.html

The main element she spoke of was how she generates ideas. Hiller stated that she creates ideas secondly; ideas for her artwork do not come first, her interests are at the forefront. This happens rather naturally for Hiller, which filled me with a sense of calm as I do hear of people who work in a way in which starts with consciously thinking ‘What shall I make art about today?’.  I have a similar method of thinking when generating ideas myself. I first think of what I am interested in. The 'idea' comes to me when I find something interesting enough to engage my attention. Then I consider how I can represent that object. In my current art practice for instance, I choose an object in a way that it chooses me. If I am drawn to an object I generally spend time looking at that item for a long period of time so that it is virtually abstract to me, this is only when I begin to think about it in an art sense; or in a representational sense.

Hiller's work exploring the conscious and unconscious ways of working interest me, in particular her automatic writing pictured here. What intrigued me was when she said she stopped automatic writing because it lost the automatic value which was only apparent in the first few writings. This made me think how conscious or unconscious they are… this is something to think about further. I can relate this to my personal art therapy sessions where I am at first consciously making a drawing for instance, but as I talk at the same time I am thinking less and less about image making. Rather it is more a sense of moving my hand across the page in the direction it wishes to. It is almost as though the hand is a separate being from the rest of my body. Hiller spoke of a similar notion of consciously and unconsciously writing. She stated of the dipping in and out of exact consciousness when making this piece of work. I can relate to this in art therapy rather than my art practice as my art tends to be more systematic than a realm of painterly expression for instance!

Susan Hiller sisters of Menon (1972 -79), (2013) [image online] Available at: http://www.susanhiller.org/otherworks/sisters_of_menon.html [Accessed 26 November 2013]

Dreams, dreams, dreams

I’ve been keeping a dream diary as a method to being more aware of my unconscious. I bring this to a few weekly therapy sessions in order to analyse my unconscious within my dreams. This led me into thinking more about dreams and what they mean. This took me on the following journey of exploration in analyzing my own dreams and dream theory of Freud and Jung.

My method of working through this dream analysis is to research ‘The interpretation of dreams’, By Sigmund Freud and am currently reading ‘Dreams, memories and reflections’ By Carl Jung. My way of analysing my dreams (sometimes with my art therapist) is too be open to the various meanings it can be. I feel dreams are more than attempts to surface unconscious wants and desires but to work out difficulties or conscious activities that are too difficult for the individual to express in their conscious; they are symbolic in this sense. My dreams tend to relate to what difficulties I am going through in my personal therapy sessions, they come out from my unconscious through the power of the dream. I guess in this sense I have a view that leans towards a Jungian method of dream analysis.

Reflecting on why I am particularly interested in dreams:

I like to think about my dreams I feel because a dream is something you cannot hide from. It shows me in the most vulnerable light. I believe this is why I love recording my dreams at the moment; it’s a way to really know how you feel about situations without having to defend other people for instance. Normally I feel if I’m having trouble with a person I’m most likely to defend them in a way and to question what I have done however in a dream my way of thinking changes. I do not consider myself so readily! I also enjoy piecing the puzzle of a dream, as some do not make sense so I have to figure it out in order to make sense of it. I like this detective type aspect to dream analysis!

Journey home...

It was an eventful journey home from my placement induction. Having as soon as two days ago spoken to my art therapist about a lady who felt compelled to share her life story with me while I was working in a shop he mentioned that trainees and therapists alike often have this issue of trying to remain open as a person to people’s problems. He said that this often shows in some way on the outside to the general public, perhaps I am giving off some kind of aura? When talking about this in my therapy session he said it would be an ongoing issue to deal with.

I spend a lot of time on the train travelling to university and back to South London so I am aware that I spend most of this time reading and thinking about what has happened during the day. Sometimes this happens simultaneously, as it did today. There I was reading and thinking about what I learnt about my future placement setting, considering attachment theory and child development when a man who I was sitting next to was starring at me. I shrugged this off and continued reading Jung’s ‘memories, dreams and reflections’… until the man commented on my book claiming his sister in law had read it. He clearly didn’t really take in what I was reading but continued to talk about his girlfriend and how I looked a lot like her. I won’t go into detail on what he said exactly but it soon became apparent that he was suffering from some kind of delusion here. I sat and listened to these untrue statements, which trailed out of him so easily. I was surprised that as I listened to him I was in a way encouraging him to continue, almost in a therapeutic approach; this is interesting in itself as I was reading Jung at the time.

This encounter really made think about how I present myself. Two people have approached me this week, both of which have told me a considerable amount of personal information without me responding or judging them. It makes me wonder what it is that makes people feel open enough to talk to me in particular, does being a trainee therapist show physically through my everyday life?

Attachment insecurity and ADHD

We recently had a lecture where the visiting artist spoke about the behaviour of attachment theory.

This led me to research into John Bowlby’s attachment theory in order to prepare for my placement where I’ll be working with children. It got me questioning the relation between ADHD and insecure attachment, as the behaviour the child may be presenting in a school environment would be very similar. I wonder if this is why so many children these days are diagnosed with ADHD. I hear it all the time, ‘Everyone has ADHD nowadays!’ or ‘ADHD didn’t exist when I was young!’.

Are children with insecure attachment being diagnosed wrongly? This an issue that is bothering me because if this is true, that many children are wrongly diagnosed, then what can I do about it? The school system of diagnosis needs to change. Maybe the therapist will be able to help with the symptoms of insecure attachment prior to any diagnosis of ADHD as more art therapists are being employed in schools.

According to the NHS website ‘ADHD is the most common behavioural disorder in the UK. It is estimated the condition affects 2-5% of school-aged children and young people.’ It’s extraordinary how many children are affected. More research needs to be done in this area in regards to art therapy as a tool for ADHD. The NHS also mentions the potential causes of the condition stating that, ‘Potential risk factors include: being male’, which leads me to thinking that if the condition is often misdiagnosed then these children are suffering from a form of attachment disorder. If this is the case then one must research into the attachment of the primary care giver with babies who are male and female. I say this because most children with ADHD happen to be male. I find this all very interesting and something to be aware of when I start my placement.

 I read an interesting article on the matter and was somewhat discouraged as Clarke et al states, '... no research has used early measures of attachment to predict the onset of ADHD symptoms'. (Clarke et al. 2002:181). I feel excited at the prospect of making a difference to the art therapy profession once I'm qualified. I want to make a difference!

Bibliography

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: ADHD (n.d) nhs [online] Available at: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder/Pages/Introduction.aspx [Accessed 18 November 2013]

Clarke, L et. al (2002) 'Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is Associated with Attachment Insecurity'. Clinical child psychology and psychiatry [online] Vol. 7 no. 2 pp.179-198. Sage journals. Available at:  https://uhvpn.herts.ac.uk/content/7/2/,DanaInfo=ccp.sagepub.com+179.full.pdf+html [Accessed 18 November 2013]

The process involved in cylcing

My personal therapist was, for the second time, not ready for my arrival. He would usually provide me with water in order to rinse my paintbrush but this was also not provided. I began to reflect upon why and how this has happened. At first I disregarded it completely as I wanted to get the most out of the session at the time but on my cycle home I could not get this out of my head. I am aware that I reflect on my personal therapy session upon cycling home, there is something about exercising, physical exertion that provides an outlet for my thoughts. On the days I do not cycle it takes me longer to return to my everyday life, it takes longer to be able to concentrate on other tasks. This makes me wonder about the link between stress and exercise. 

I have always heard that exercise relieves stress but have not experienced this in reality until recently. Cycling makes me physically exhausted by the time I return home, which creates an exhaustion of emotion. I feel I move past those thoughts and feelings from personal therapy and am able to externalise them, to reflect upon them. Once I’m home I am able to write in my thought journal about the experience. The journey of cycling brings out those emotions that are very much in my mind to an external medium; the written process too is an addition to this.

I have discovered that exercise in the form of cycling is a great process for me to consider the thoughts evoked through personal therapy. This is quite a surprise to me as I am definitely not one to enjoy exercise or even feel the benefit from it until now.

Using everyday objects

Mira Schendel exhibit

Fig 1. A room in the Tate (2013)

I recently visited Mira Schendel's exhibition at the Tate Modern.

I was not at all familiar with Schendel’s work prior to visiting her exhibition however I was impressed with the thoughts and emotions evoked by her work. Her series of work named ‘Sarrafos’ was predominantly caught my attention, shown here in Fig 2. I found it difficult to sit with these pieces because they seem to push the boundaries of the canvas from which they sit. The canvas does not exactly trap the battens but I get a strong sense of escaping. The battens appear uncomfortable within their material homes.Angular and cold. Maybe I am getting these thoughts from the work because on some level I am uncomfortable with boundaries I set myself. Am I feeling trapped within the boundaries? I do not know! I do know that working with the University framework is a challenge as there is a lot going on in my schedule and keeping the balance is difficult.

The fact they are thick and black add to the strength of the batten although they are not strong enough to emerge and separate completely from the canvas. I am having a lot of thoughts about boundaries within therapy and I feel this from Schendel’s work. The canvas usually acts as a boundary between the artwork, the viewer and the space however here Schendel conflicts with these ideas. The battens here remind me of the children I will work with once I begin my therapy work, as children who may test the boundaries but will (maybe!) keep one foot in the space.

Fig 2. Mira Schendel's Sarrafos (Battens) 1987 

Viewing this artwork heightens my anxieties of keeping the boundaries and providing the safe space for the client. Will I be able to keep the boundaries? Especially when working with children I sense this will a challenge for me.

Bibliography

Cumming, L (2013) 'Mira Schendel- Review' The Guardian. Available at: http://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2013/sep/29/mira-schendel-tate-modern-review [Accessed 10 November 2013]

Images

Fig 1. Mira Schendel's room in the Tate Modern (2013) [image online] Available at: http://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/gallery/2013/sep/29/art-exhibition [Accessed 10 November 2013]

Fig 2. Mira Schendel's Sarrafos (1987), (2013) [image online] Available at: http://gwallter.com/art/angst-and-the-void-vienna-portraits-and-mira-schendel-2.html [Accessed 10 November 2013]

Reflecting on a therapy role play

I experienced a therapeutic role-play yesterday that took place in a charity (I cannot name due to confidentiality) that will be sending me on my clinical placement.

It began with a few exercises to get us warmed up! This in itself was a stretch for me, a person who is rather reserved, never enjoying drama at school and here I was in a small group with two drama therapist facilities who were warming us up to start role-playing the therapeutic setting. The pressure was on as I watched the first couple of people act out their therapies, watching them get picked apart for every word they said was quite unforgiving not to mention nerve racking for me knowing in a matter of hours I’ll be in that situation too.

Reflection on the warm up exercise: I felt extremely self-conscious during these exercises. They included things such as imagining you were a guard then we had to act this out. One part which struck a cord with me was when I was asked what the guard sounds like. I found it difficult to get over my shyness and speak up. This led me to reflect on other times in my life where I haven’t been able speak up and have realised this is an issue I must deal with. It took me back to my childhood when I was a very quiet child, never speaking in class to teachers and never putting my hand up to answer a question. I am questioning why I did this and why I still do this now, to a certain extent. I have always tried to be a ‘good’ child growing up; perhaps this is why I didn’t speak much. I must have associated quietness with being good then keeping this strategy as I grew up.

Reflection on role play:

When it was my turn to play the therapist I found I was so into the play part, focusing on what the ‘child’ was doing that I completely forgot about time scale. This is something I have to be aware of when in a real therapeutic setting. While my feedback was positive in that I played with the child in a lovely manner, demonstrated a level of empathy, made him feel safe, my points to work on were to be careful of the boundaries; of making sure the play does not get out of hand and of course to watch the time as well as not to get so drawn in by the child.

The child in my setting made comments after the role-play was over; one particular comment I would like to mention is that he said I was great at staying with him as he darted around the room and tried to connect with him by physically staying there. This comment took me by surprise because I felt I didn’t stay with him enough; this makes me think my own perceptions of the situation were warped by my anxieties. Hearing these two opposing views of the setting causes me to reflect on how I see myself, questioning my self-confidence. This is something I'll take to my personal therapy sessions, as I do not want my own insecurities (for want of a better word) to impact on the child. Even though it didn't directly impact the child in this role-play situation but if I'd had taken my views here to my supervisor maybe the next session would impact the child.

I am happy with how this experience went and feel a little more confident in my capabilities as a trainee art therapist. I felt very much in tune with the child whilst I was the therapist. This is a positive element I will take away with me on placement. I also enjoyed playing the part of the child, making me more sensitive to the fact that they are entering an odd place with a strange, sometimes scary person, due to how it is a unique situation for them. I believe this experience has made me more empathetic towards the client. It has also made me think more about art therapy being based around each individual, I was adapting what I was going to say, or act towards that specific individual rather than any books I’ve read on how to deal with particular personalities for example.

More paper

The most successful paper experiment so far

The paper experiments continue.

I've been determined to find a perfect paper to water ratio through endless experiments!
Here is an image of my fourth and most successful sheet yet. It's not perfect but is durable enough to cut, fold and hold. It's not as delicate as the other attempts from yesterday. I like how the paper is lighter in colour than the previous sheets but still has some money details if you look closely.
I improved on the paper attempt by adding a lot more water than before. I filled up the blender with water, coupled with only a third of a cup of notes. This seemed to work best.. the more water the better. 

What will I do next? Next  I will add less notes and keep the water the same level. If my theory of 'the more water the better' then I predict the resulting paper will be an improved one. I also want to test what happens if I blend the notes more because I blended these notes for approximately 4 minutes whereas I blended them yesterday for about 2minutes. 

My feelings on this project have settled since yesterday; this is because today is more of a successful day in terms of the paper being useable therefore this has impacted my mood on the several stages of the making process. It's more enjoyable now I feel. I still struggle with being careful when peeling the wet paper off the deckle but this will, I'm sure, come with practice.

Fourth attempt.

Reflecting on the significance of using out of circulation bank notes

I've been thinking a lot about, not only the practicalities of working with bank notes, but also the concept of working with such a material, in an art therapy sense. I want to find out more concerning the complexities of working or training as an art therapists and how this impacts their personal art making. I have touched on reading the studio art practice… I hope this will aid my thinking in the future.

The notion of the giving something a purpose where there is none is vacant within my current art practice. This sense of healing the shredded notes in order to give it a new form is shown here. I have been exploring the issue of value, both in my personal therapy experience as well as my art practice. I didn’t, at first, put the two together until this week’s therapy where I made the connection, which wasn’t clear to me before. As I continue to learn more and more about art therapy I seem to be able to make these connections straightforwardly. I am literally taking an item with no value; a once highly valued object has become debunked, unusable, deemed too old. Undeserving of use in society. I am, in a sense, rescuing this object in an attempt to repair it; give it life, value and substance again. I use my solid methodological way of working to systematically create a paper making process… a papermaking machine almost, where I through many mixed emotions (that I have previously discussed) make this paper. Once each sheet is finished I am overcome with joy at taking what was once a cup of shredded, useless paper into a solid, worthy object. A sheet of a paper. A sheet that can be written on, torn, created into origami if one is willing. It now has a purpose and there is something extremely rewarding when taking on this process. It does, merely upon reflection, remind me of the therapeutic process. This process that attempts to help a person, to heal this person, to hopefully allow them back into society with a new viewpoint.

Third paper experiment

Fig 3

Fig. 3 seems to be my most successful attempt thus far because I added lots more water than before as well as blending the mixture. Although, this has changed the appearance of the paper quite significantly. As you can see, from Fig.1 (in previous post) to Fig.3 there is some detail that is lost here. Even though I do like the appearance of both, Fig.3 does appeal to me more so. I think this because the money quality of the paper seems obscure here whereas one could have guessed that it is made from paper when looking at Fig.1. I like to have a hint of mystery in the paper. But I do want the viewer to know it's paper, perhaps they will have to rely on a title with a hint of this rather than gaining this info through the visual but what does this mean for the visual message. If the visual message isn't communicated then what is the purpose? Isn't this the point of artwork? To communicate something words cannot.

The negatives to Fig.3 are that it is too thin and flimsy. I can however pick it up, carefully, without it falling apart! This is major progress since Fig.1 where I couldn't even partly pick up the sheet. In fact it will probably be re-used again as I cannot use it for any good!

 

close up of current, fig 3. attempt

close up of early attempt

The making process

The paper making process thus far as been a rollercoaster of emotions. This process requires me to be forceful and strong one moment but sensitive and tentative the next. For instance, squeezing the water out of the pulped paper demands strength. I literally lean my whole body over the paper to press as much out, with a sponge, as possible. Next I have to carefully and extremely tentatively peel the potential paper off from the deckle. This requires a certain level of care, it's like I have to switch from these two positions for each step. I'm very aware of my mood changes throughout the entire process; I go from enjoying placing the pulp onto the deckle then there's the water extraction process where I have to use all my strength so my stamina has to come into play. My mood changes fast from this playful process when I have to carefully peel the papery pulp mixture off the deckle onto my surface. This is the part I hate most, having to be cautious and ignore my natural instincts of ploughing through at a fast pace. This is where the process has usually faltered because I find it difficult to take the care and attention needed. This makes me wonder why this is? I'm always in a rush to come to the completed object, it's like I cannot wait for the outcome... the completed paper!

Paper Alice makes it look so easy!!! How does she do it?! Check out her youTube video.

 

Bibliography

Bryon Black (2008) Paper Alice make you own homemade paper [video online] Available at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlX87tvei7c [Accessed 2 November 2013]

Paper experiments

Fig 1. First attempt

I've done a few paper making experiments so far, all of which haven't gone to plan!

I started with treating the notes as regular ripped up paper but I soon found out this wouldn't work. As you can see from Fig 1. the notes didn't bind together enough even though I used three cups of water and one cup of notes.

After learning that I will probably need more water than the 3:1 water/note ratio I used at first I then went on and used more water than before. The outcome to this is Fig 2.. this was again too flimsy and didn't bind well either. It was however a significant improvement on the first attempt as I wasn't able to lift it up at all without it crumbling before my eyes.

Fig 2. Second attempt

I then, after doing more research into how to make paper, decided to use a blender to make my mixture into more a pulp rather than water mixed with chopped up notes. It's difficult because in all the youtube videos and research I've done on the subject I found that the paper blends well into paper. The resulting solution appears very much like liquid. With this in mind, I began to mix my notes with water as before. I decided to go for a 'more or less' approach than a more scientific ratio experience as this didn't work for me before. I'm sure this is because I'm working with notes rather than regular money like the situations in the youtube videos.

Communication with the Bank of America

So I've sent various emails to a variety of countries politely requesting shredded money. I'm not in the least surprised that when I contacted America to request shredded this was the response...

How ironic that I have to pay money to buy out of use, somewhat worthless money. How does this make sense?!

A country which is very much thought to be money orientated is asking me for a fee in order to get their out of use cash. For simply taking it out of their hands has turned into a business. Yet, the Bank of England hasn't asked for a thing other than my address. Such different outcomes for two very different societies.

Maybe the Bank of England are missing a trick here... there could be a big business in selling shredded money which is probably why they made me promise not to sell any artwork I create. This makes my rebellious side want to make something aesthetically pleasing to sell and see what happens!